Why You're Not Yourself Around Certain People. Setting Boundaries, Strengthening Your Spirit & And Creating The Best You!

Ever wonder why certain people seem to bring out the worst in you? Why you find yourself saying things you would NEVER expect yourself to say to anyone? Why you shock yourself by acting out of character around specific people?

Well, I’ve got good NEWS for you! You are not crazy, psychotic, weak or mean. You are simply giving that person what they’ve asked for- and I don’t mean in the sense of “You get what you deserve” or “Payback is Hell.” I am referring to the energetic resonance that a person communicates to you. We are very sensitive to this vibrational communication-- even though we don’t consciously realize it ourselves our subconscious reads and reacts to it.

This is where the hard part comes in. People who need your help the most to overcome an obstacle in their life tend to send out chaotic and urgent vibrations that will make you feel anxious, unsettled and sometimes even angry. The point is to pay attention to your physical and emotional reactions when you are around certain people. Be aware and make a conscious choice of how you will engage that person.  

Will you help them?  Will you walk away? Will you allow them to control your reaction? Here is what you lose when you neglect to make a choice ahead of time, integrity.

That’s right, now that you know, by making a conscious decision ahead of time you have allowed yourself the benefit of being able to act with integrity verses react out-of-character and you can say that, 1. You are not willing to ignore yourself, 2. You are working to make this world a better place, 3. Your fellow Man is important to you, 4. The gift you have been given to discern another’s needs is not rejectable, 5. You are willing to progress spiritually.

If you choose to walk away depending on where you are at in your life this may be the best course. You do not want to be in a situation that you are not ready to handle. If you have not gained control over your thoughts and emotions and find yourself lashing out or cringing away then you need to regroup and  refocus (Don’t worry we will discuss how to strengthen yourself and stand your ground in a bit).

The other thing to know is that you are also sending out these vibrational communications to others. When someone reacts to you they are just following the orders you’ve given them.

The classic case is of someone who continues to see a pattern in how people treat them.  For example, girl is attracted to the same type of boy over and over again. His vibrations tell her that he is susceptible to anger quickly and even violence. The girl unconsciously chooses him because he will force her to value herself and gain enough self-respect to become self-reliant and stronger.

Let’s say the boy (we will call him Jack) has never been in a relationship before where he has been violent to a girl. In this case he will surprise himself by feeling animosity toward her (we will call her Jill). Before he knows it he will find himself abusing her in ways he vowed he would never do to anyone. He may even anger over others who do the same thing he is doing to Jill. His self-loathing will grow and because he subconsciously knows that she is the one requesting this treatment his love for her will diminish. I am NOT saying that Jack's response is justified. I'm saying that Jack has a CHOICE in his actions and reactions. 

It is up to Jill whether she will allow this pattern to continue. She will need to change how she feels about herself and then make a decision as to whether Jack is the best person for her or if he has completed his role in her life. Jack himself needs to make a decision as well, will he allow Jill‘s subconscious to control his actions or will he make a conscious decision to find a better way to help her gain the self-esteem that she needs.

In this life we each have a need to learn many lessons. It is the whole purpose of our existence to discover who we are and to create our best selves. It is why achievement is a continuing theme our entire lives. You will never know just how much you are capable of unless you accept the challenge to tone every aspect of yourself, mind, body and spirit.

Now, if you find yourself overwhelmed and unable to control your reactions this part is for you.

It is important that you know yourself and love who you are.

Why? Because not doing so opens you up to all sorts of false signals. By not knowing yourself you have no idea what your stance is on anything of importance. So, how can you expect to make any decision if you don't know who you are and what you want? Nor can you set boundaries that will help you.

Knowing yourself

An example of someone who does not know themselves is someone who will go to a bar when they do not like the atmosphere there. Yet they go because their friend wants to go. Now, I’m not saying that friendship is not about compromise, because it is. What I am saying is that, if this person (Mary) keeps going to the bar and at the end of the night she feels worn out emotionally, then this is a scene she needs to avoid altogether because it is weighing on her spirit, it is not moving her forward to be her best and highest self—it is literally draining the life out of her. Unless Mary chooses to stop going it will take several days, sometimes weeks or even months to get back the positive energy that going to the bar has taken from her. To combat this Mary will first need to recognize that this is something she does not like. This can be difficult, because she may have had fun with her friend at the bar. The key is to pay attention to how she feels while she is there, when it is all over and when the idea of going is brought up again. Hesitation is a great give away that something is not in line with your desires.

Loving yourself

If you do not love yourself you will find that every whisper is about your failings as a human being, that every situation is a potential let-down, every event that has ever had the misfortune of your presence has been affected negatively just because you were there, that no matter how hard you try or how much good you do things will never be great because you were a part of them and you don’t deserve it.

An example of someone who is not being loving to themselves and at the same time does not know themselves is a person who allows their employer to yell at them. They allow this because they have not established that being yelled at is something they do not deserve nor that they love themselves enough to set that boundary. A person who loves themself would say to themself, “I don’t like being treated this way, it does not progress who I am. This is one of my boundaries. I do not deserve to be yelled at. So, I need to set this boundary.”

You will need to be cognizant of how you approach someone with your boundaries. Be appropriate, be clear, be respectful. The last thing you want to do is set your boundary in anger. Anything that is done in anger is not ever accepted well and the reason behind it is lost in emotion and considered an overreaction.

But before we get to boundaries lets go over how to know and love yourself. Note this is an ongoing process. Each day you will need to keep a journal with you and every time you find something you like, brings you joy, makes you laugh or smile, incites happiness, creates a warmth or calm within you, causes giddiness or a feeling of safety, makes you feel respected, appreciated, worthy, or cherished, or anything positive that you find yourself daydreaming about write it in this journal. Keep this list separate from the next list.

The second list can be at the back of your journal. When something makes you feel sad, angry, frustrated, nervous, anxious, panicky, paranoid, weak, useless, stupid, incompetent, uncared for, insane, disrespected, feel like a child, makes you act out of character or cry write that down too.

Now you have a good idea of what uplifts and fulfills your life and what hinders it. You will need to insert as much of the Positive list into your daily life as possible and set clear boundaries for the Negative list.

Setting a boundary is simple. You make a decision ahead of time of what you don’t want to happen and how you are going to inform others of it.

Here are some exampled of how to set a boundary. The boundary being, “I deserve to be treated respectfully. Therefore, people don’t yell at me.”

Most likely you will need to consider removing yourself from this situation altogether by finding another job or distancing yourself from the person who yells.

Below are just some examples to get you started thinking about how you could respond to someone who is crossing your boundary. I would suggest paying attention to how each one makes you feel. Some may be completely the wrong way to approach someone, the idea is that you get a feel for what your intuition tells you will work and what won't.

a.        “If we are going to continue this conversation, we will need to do it at a lower decibel.”

b.      “(Insert name of yeller), you know I respect you, but I have a difficult time paying attention to the words when I feel I’m being yelled at.”  

c.        “I understand why you are upset. I am willing to help you any way I can. What can I do?” or “Could we discuss this at time when our emotions are not running so high?”

d.      “I think we should we take a few moments to collect ourselves.”

e.      “I would like to discuss this with you respectfully at a time when we are both ready to listen.”

f.        “I think we should revisit this at a later time.”

g.       Or simply walk away; just make sure you excuse yourself. You can say that you need to be somewhere. Realize that this does not end the situation; you will find yourself here again until they have said their piece and achieved some semblance of a result.

Or you could go to the bathroom, and take a few moments. That may be enough time for them to reassess their behavior or to get more steamed, the main point is to get yourself collected enough to decide where you want the conversation to go from there.

If you need the job you are at, you can listen attentively, but not allow their words or actions to override your sense of self-worth. Sometimes just showing the other person that you are listening and agreeing with them will stop their fight response.

h.      If you are in a relationship with someone who is yelling at you. You could slowly, lightly touch them and say, “(their name), I understand, I am right here.”


g.      I knew one couple who would strip to their underwear whenever they got into an argument. They said it was really difficult to stay mad when you felt ridiculous. This worked for them. I imagine it also had something to do with coming to at least one thing they could agree on. When each of them removed their clothes they were making an effort to compromise and at the same time literally showing that they could be equal.

You don’t have come right out and say,“Hey, this is my boundary and you are crossing it. Stop.” But, you do need to get the point across.

There is no one great way to address each situation for every person. Use your own judgment; be prepared for consequences and HOLD TO YOUR BOUNDARIES. If you find that it’s not in your best interest to say or do anything about the situation in the immediate moment, then listen to that. You will, however, need to decide on a different course of action that will put yourself in a better position for the future.

Sometimes, the hardest part of being TRUE to yourself is recognizing that the people and things we love are not loving us.  As an example:

A friend or child moves in with you and they continually are late on their portion of the funds, leave messes in the open areas until they are ready to clean them up, are smug and arrogant when you give them advice or try to converse with them, hole themselves up in their rooms or neglect a real relationship by spending time watching TV, playing games, or obsessively checking their messages on the computer and, on a regular basis,  refusing to join you for meals or outings.  

This is someone who is not loving themselves. They are attempting to escape from who they are. To support this false escape they avoid anyone who cares for them, because they do not want to be reminded that they are not loving themselves.

In this case you cannot expect or force this person to change. You can, however, set your boundary, inform them of it and hold true to it. If they are refusing to respect your boundary then you either need to come to some compromise with them, find a way to prevent the situation from arising, or remove yourself from this situation altogether. Ultimately, it is up to them whether they choose to go along the path of self-love.

If you care for this person and are willing perhaps gently noting what you are seeing in them and asking if that is something they want to continue will at least get them to thinking about who they want to be. You can offer to support them if they wish to change, but it means being accountable and allowing others to help them. 

How to strengthen yourself and stand your ground is all at once liberating and frightening. It is frightening because you are making a change in who you are. This is a great thing, but also scary because you are used to being a certain way with yourself and breaking out of that old mold can be difficult. 


However, if you learn and practice the steps we’ve talked about above.; Knowing yourself, Loving yourself, Holding True to your boundaries you have already equipped yourself with powerful tools to help you grow. I have added another step to help you keep centered and strong in who you are.

Strengthening Spirit and Creating Who You Want To Be 

Create a quiet or at least a space where you can lock yourself away and no one will bother you. This may be your room with a Do Not Disturb sign on your door, a closet, a spare or guest room. It helps if you forewarn others in your home about this private time so they will know not to bother you.Now you will need the follow items:

A free-standing Mirror

A candle with a scent you love

An essential oil of your choice (I recommend Ylang Ylang, Lavender, Neroli or Sandalwood)

Several items with colors, images, textures you love.

A journal and a pen

Now place the mirror in the center and decorate around it with all the other items. You have just created you own personal space! This is a divine area where you can go and reflect on yourself. Light the candle and place a dab of the essential oil on each wrist, behind each ear, on the forehead, in the middle of the chest and on the direct middle of the top of your head.

Now, look into the mirror, search into your own eyes. Become comfortable with what you see and listen. Listen to your heart, what is it you want from life, who is it you want to see in the mirror. Close your eyes and imagine who you want to become. What are the qualities, skills and nature of this ideal person? Write them down as they come to you. Then look again at yourself and repeat these qualities to yourself saying that you already have them inside of you. Now all you need to do is bring them to the surface, practice at least one each day. Continue to practice it each day and when your spirit is ready add another one. Before you know it you will realize one of the great hidden truths of life.

Your worth is NOT dependant on what others perceive you to be. The wisest most elevated person in the world is one who has an unshakeable resolution in their divine worth.

Know yourself, Listen to yourself, Love yourself, Love others and the world opens up a wonder of joyful and endless possibilities.