Sunday, September 18, 2011 11:19 pm
Today, I read a newsletter on beginning a relationship with someone who is spiritually minded or at least emotionally compatible. Often when we begin a relationship the chemistry of pheromones and the excitement of something new create a formula for blindness. This blindness prevents us from seeing the signs and listening to our spirit, intuition or gut. The author of the newsletter is currently working on her second book on the subject of relationships. In the article posted below she lists some of the characteristics and signs you should pay attention to and prompts you to listen and act when your gut it speaking. I've highlighted the major points in her article and added my own story below. I hope that my experience will persuade you to listen to your intuition.
Today, I read a newsletter on beginning a relationship with someone who is spiritually minded or at least emotionally compatible. Often when we begin a relationship the chemistry of pheromones and the excitement of something new create a formula for blindness. This blindness prevents us from seeing the signs and listening to our spirit, intuition or gut. The author of the newsletter is currently working on her second book on the subject of relationships. In the article posted below she lists some of the characteristics and signs you should pay attention to and prompts you to listen and act when your gut it speaking. I've highlighted the major points in her article and added my own story below. I hope that my experience will persuade you to listen to your intuition.
From the Desk of Sister Jennifer James Sept 10, 2011 To the SA Newsletter in the Kansas City Region
One of the most challenging life-lessons I've had to learn while being single has to do with being careful. We all have this template of the Gospel that encourages forgiveness, charity, grace, and mercy, along with the principle of Atonement that says we all can make changes and have second-chances to overcome our "natural" man/woman" issues, move forward and grow. In new dating situations, however, we've been counseled by Brothern to "keep our eyes wide open in courtship and then half-shut in marriage." In dating, that transulates into paying closer attention.
It's imperative that we are keenly aware, mindful and open to the Spirit's promptings, along with our instinctive (gut) reactions when we're dating individuals of the opposite sex. To disregard our own internal compass often means trouble. Personally, I've sometimes ignored my instinctive feeling after meeting and spending time with men whom I've dated. Within the first three meetings you can get a sense for who these people are, and must remain neutral to evaluate the potential in a truthful way. If your instincts tell you you're safe, secure, respected, then continue. If they tell you to "RUN!" then pay attention. Those times when I was told internally that "things are not quite right," and I didn't listen, caused me wasted time and painful experiences that were unneccessary for me. This lesson is so significant in dating-to-mate. If I had followed the prompting, I would not have spent many months dating a life-long porn addict (I had no idea), or 6 months with a passive-aggressive bipolar monster, both who treated me poorl but tried to confince me that it was "my fault."
What should we be seeking in a mate? Most of us tend to desire physical appearance at first, followed by a gregarious personality. Sadly, those features in a person have nothing to do with the qualities needed in sustaining a healthy relationship. The qualities we should be looking for in a mate include (and should be qualities WE offer as well:
* Abject honesty. Do you know what is going on? Is it accurate with what they tell you (or don't tell
you)?
* Character: What they say is what they DO! They're responsible, not lazy.
* Loyalty: Do you have priority in their lives? Do they stray? Are they "busy" and have little time for
you?
* Emotionally available: Will they dialogue, discuss and negotiate during conflict? Will they share
their feelings in situations rather than avoid, hold back, or ignore them, or you?
* Attentive: What/who has their heart and attention? Do they do the little things that build relation-
ships between you both?
* Communication: Are they effective problem-solvers or do they use defensiveness, criticism, false
accusations, or shame/blame to grab power/control and seek only to "win" in a disagreement?
* Self-Worth: Do they like themselves and feel comfortable in their own skin? Do they have active,
meaningful lives that impact others positively?
* Chemistry/attraction: Can your heart truely love and accept this person for who they are, without
trying to dramatically change them?
President Spencer W Kimball wrote (Miracle of Forgiveness) about successful relationships. He said, "the sussessful marriage depends in large measure upon the preparation made in approaching it...One can-
not pick the ripe, rich, luscious fruit from a tree that was never planted, nurtured, nor pruned" (pg 242). We
need to be not only preparing ourselves, invoking, Ether 12:27, with humility, to overcome our own weaknesses, but also seeking a companion that has also prepared and made significant sacrifices throughout his/her life that has positively shaped their own character.
Many times, it's chemistry/attraction that creates a fantasy expectation where we assume that because we enjoy their company or are phsically compatible, that they automatically have all the other qualities necessary for healthy partnership. Nothing could be further from the truth. It takes time and experience to see a person's character and choices, and see whether they reflect a prepared person and someone who has not done the work of relationship. In dating relationship I experienced, I assumed he was wonderful, because we had so much in common, including a shared sense of humor, and great attraction. Yet, when I asked him to help us move my daughter out of her apartment, he refused. When I was busy in the kitchen preparing a meal for us, after my long day at work, he sat down at the table expecting to be fed and didn't offer to help. When my sick cat ralphed in the living room, he sat sown on the couch and watched me clean it up, while he demanded I supply him with medicine for his allergies, which I'd given him earlier and he had misplaced. Do you see the pattern? Yeah, so did I. This was a man, who, for all the fun we had, did not have a compassionate, serving heart. It was no wonder. Those red-flags incidents reflected a man who sought a life of pornography and Church inactivity (he did not admit to this until I caught him). The signs are there, if we pay attention.
So what should we avoid in a dating partner? Here are some signs to look for:
* Addiction: If someone does not have at least three years of sobriety on his own, before you meet him,
RUN. Do not suffer the addict who has not committed to the work of recovery with individualized,
active, devoted work of study, attending 12 step, individual counseling, and has overcome the struggle
ON HIS/HER OWN.
When involved with a current addict, you will find that it's all about him...his addiction...his recovery....his maintenance...his relapsing. This is an unequal relationship that creates severe hardship. Addictions take many forms: Anything excessive can be classified as an addiction whether it's over/under eating, over exercising, pain medication, porn, drugs, alcohol, hoarding, etc.
When involved with a current addict, you will find that it's all about him...his addiction...his recovery....his maintenance...his relapsing. This is an unequal relationship that creates severe hardship. Addictions take many forms: Anything excessive can be classified as an addiction whether it's over/under eating, over exercising, pain medication, porn, drugs, alcohol, hoarding, etc.
* Selfishness, Entitlement: Does he/she ask you what you want? Do they control the raltionship by wanting things "their way" and dominate?
* Playing "victim or Being Needy - is this person an individual or do they need "taking care of?" If someone is immature emotionally, appears inept or helpless, or if you have to rescue, act as a parent to them much of the time, police their actions, this is a toxic situation.
* Rage/Anger: This is an abusive gesture. Do you feel intimidated or do you fear this person? Do they react in anger when there's conflict or difference of opinion? Do they call you names, criticize excessively, guilt you or even falsely accuse you to divert attention from their rage? It's a defense mechanism to intimidate you to back down so they "win." No good. If anyone in a relationship "wins," that means their sweetheart "looses."
* Power/control: Speaking of winning/losing, do most things feel like power struggles if you have conflict? If there is no negotiation or compromise, there is no real relationship.
I have a dear friend whom I've known for 40 years. She married a man who, when there's a conflict, he insists that he's "received revelation" and "doing God's will" so he gets his way. This poor sister has not been allowed her voice or help-meet role her entire marriage. Be careful and heed what is counseled in Doctrine and Covenants 121:39. Power is no respecter of persons. Women also choose such a tactic. This tactic has no place in healthy relationships. Differences should be effectively communicated, not bullied through temporal or spiritual means.
I have a dear friend whom I've known for 40 years. She married a man who, when there's a conflict, he insists that he's "received revelation" and "doing God's will" so he gets his way. This poor sister has not been allowed her voice or help-meet role her entire marriage. Be careful and heed what is counseled in Doctrine and Covenants 121:39. Power is no respecter of persons. Women also choose such a tactic. This tactic has no place in healthy relationships. Differences should be effectively communicated, not bullied through temporal or spiritual means.
* The Bum's RUSH - Does this person get serious far too soon in the relationship? Do they push you to commitment or manipulate you with a quickie courtship that either promises marriage or proposes too soon? Do they want you to commit before you know them or they know you? This simply practicing for divorce. Disconnect from the person who preys on the fantasy without the substance of real relationship. Relationship is long-term hard work and sacrifice. Is that the goal AND the effort? Or are they just a "whited sepulcher?"
Hopefully, Brothers and Sisters, this gives you a vew ideas to help you in your preparation and seeking of a future companion. How I wish you a mindful experience that invokes the Spirit's guidance and attention to your gut instincts in this pursuit. Blessings too you all!
This article hit home for me when I read the points that we should avoid. I was in a relationship that encompassed every point on the above list. The astonishing part is that not only did I consciously see the signs, but I stayed in that relationship for years.
Why?
You see, no one knew, not even the closet people to me or him, that he was so abusive. In fact, he wasn't even aware of how abusive he was because he saw me as being one with him. So, he didn't do anything to me that he hadn't done to himself.
In the few instances that he took it too far to the point where his abuse could not be denied he was so agonized with remorse and self-loathing that I just could not leave him. I thought if I could leave him in such a miserable state then I was no better than anyone else who had mistreated him and I would be proving that my ability to forgive and love was less-compassionate and strong than I had staked the years I'd spent trying to prove the opposite.
When my family noticed the descent on my spirit and recognized the signs of abuse I stayed because I needed to prove to them that they were wrong, but more importantly that I had not been wrong.
There were a thousand more excuses I used to not leave, but it all came down to this: I was afraid that there was one more thing I hadn't yet tried that would make him love me as much as I loved him and then we would be happy forever. I told myself that fantasy every morning, afternoon and evening. Sure there were times that I would separate from him, but it was too painful to bear and never lasted...
I can't tell you what finally clicked in me to change this pattern. I do recall the accounts of the week though.
My grandmother had come to visit and while she was there she said to me, "You know I see you do everything for him and he can't seem to do anything for you." I was speechless, not a single retort came to mind.
Later that day I spoke with a mutual friend and recounted what my grandmother had said. I asked,
"What could I say to that?"
He replied, "You should have said, 'well, that may be true but there are plenty of other things that he does for me that make up for that."
And I thought, "Huh, I should have been able to say that." but the truth was I could think of nothing that he did for me that made up for what he didn't do.
I didn't have his support in anything, there was no stability or safety, he would pretend to leave me just so I'd become a slobbering mess and he could see that I really did love him, communication was reduced to anger and destroying a piece of furniture, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, I was constantly told how strange and dumb I was and that none of his friends liked me and that any dream I'd ever come up with was unrealistic for someone as inept as myself. On our anniversary/ my birthday he had promised that we would spend the entire day together. We started it by sleeping in, then we went to dinner. He kept rushing me through it saying that he had to go to meet his friends for a game. I reminded him that it was our anniversary and he said we had the day together at which he replied, "I said the day. It's not my fault you decided to spend it in bed. I made a promise to the guys and I'm going to keep it." That was the first epiphany.
The second came later that week. He as usual had left for a friends house that afternoon and a friend of mine had come to visit. She was dating one of his friends and she said,
"How do you deal with it? I mean how can you stand for him to be away all the time?" I said , "Well, I wake up and see how he feels and then I know how my day is going to be and then I just wait for him to come home."
Now that made absolutely no sense to me later that evening. I realized that I wasn't living. I was just existing. At 4:00 am he came into our room and I felt something strange click inside me. It was as if a hollow numbness had blanketed every sensation, sound, emotion and thought within me, except one. I sat up and I said, "I think I'm done. I can't take it anymore. I'm moving out."
I expected to feel a lurching in my chest and a ache in my throat as I usually did when I thought I was "done', but there was nothing. He was heart-torn and begged me not to leave. Watching him made some of the feeling return-- a wrenching in the pit of my stomach-- but not enough to break the surface of my mind and change it. I said, "I'd rather be miserable knowing that you don't have a choice to be with me, than be miserable knowing that you do and you choose not to be." I moved out within a couple weeks. It was one of the scariest thing I've ever done. I hadn't been on my own for over seven years, I was starting college that month and I didn't have a job or a place to live.
Just because I left didn't mean that it had ended. There was guilt and accusations and threats and cruel ambivalence. I'd see him on the street and he would be as cold as ice. Then he'd come over and try to get me to come back with him. Followed by accusations of me of being with someone else while we were together-- that lie extended to be told to several people I knew, so then there was embarrassment and outrage. There were other things that came after this that I won't discuss out of respect, but, after that he consistently worked to push me toward another relationship. Consequentially, he gave me something in common with another person. As it turned out all I needed to help me out of my anguish was to have someone else sympathize with what I was going through.
Unfortunately, I ignored the signs yet again and dove into the proverbial rebound. During which he would show up and try to get me back with him. This went on for years. I kept waiting for him to say that he was ready settle down and have a family--out of all the things he did say-- thankfully, for bot of us, he never did say that.
Though it caused me more pain than I had expected I never went back. I kept remembering what one of his friends had said, "You both deserve to be happy, even if its not with each other."
Now he is happily married and from what I am told is an amazing and devoted husband and father.
Part of my problem was that I thought he would change and I didn't acknowledge my own issues, including co-dependence and low-self-worth.
The reality is that people come into your life for a brief moment and a purpose. When that purpose is fulfilled it is natural for them to exit. Just because our relationship was toxic did not mean that it was useless. It helped me to be the person I am today and I'd like to think it helped him to become the father and husband he is today. If had not ended it and stayed true to that then not only would I have robbed myself the opportunity of gaining self-worth and enlightenment, but I would have cheated him of the happy life he is enjoying today.
So, my advice to you, if you want it, is pay attention to the signs! Do NOT ignore them and think that you can change them. If you are in a relationship, if the person is unwilling to actively work towards mutal respect, love and honesty then this is your cue to move on and let them go. You HAVE done everything that you can to make it work. Now is the time to focus on learning who you are and what you want out of life and allow them to do the same. Of course don't take my word for it. Only you, God and your guiding spirit know what is best for your life, just make sure you are LISTENING to your spirit, your intuition, your gut when they tell you what it is. Wishing you the best possibilities to come to fruition, LA.
This article hit home for me when I read the points that we should avoid. I was in a relationship that encompassed every point on the above list. The astonishing part is that not only did I consciously see the signs, but I stayed in that relationship for years.
Why?
- Because I was in love.
- Because I thought I could heal them.
- Because I thought knowing the issues and staying was equivalent of being a savior and the epitome of showing love.
- Because there were so many other worse things that I could think of that I should thank my lucky stars he wasn't doing.
- Because I didn't think I could love anyone as much.
- Because I thought no one would be able to love me.
- Because this person was so wonderful to everyone else that I would be an idiot if I didn't think he was good enough for me to stay.
You see, no one knew, not even the closet people to me or him, that he was so abusive. In fact, he wasn't even aware of how abusive he was because he saw me as being one with him. So, he didn't do anything to me that he hadn't done to himself.
In the few instances that he took it too far to the point where his abuse could not be denied he was so agonized with remorse and self-loathing that I just could not leave him. I thought if I could leave him in such a miserable state then I was no better than anyone else who had mistreated him and I would be proving that my ability to forgive and love was less-compassionate and strong than I had staked the years I'd spent trying to prove the opposite.
When my family noticed the descent on my spirit and recognized the signs of abuse I stayed because I needed to prove to them that they were wrong, but more importantly that I had not been wrong.
There were a thousand more excuses I used to not leave, but it all came down to this: I was afraid that there was one more thing I hadn't yet tried that would make him love me as much as I loved him and then we would be happy forever. I told myself that fantasy every morning, afternoon and evening. Sure there were times that I would separate from him, but it was too painful to bear and never lasted...
I can't tell you what finally clicked in me to change this pattern. I do recall the accounts of the week though.
My grandmother had come to visit and while she was there she said to me, "You know I see you do everything for him and he can't seem to do anything for you." I was speechless, not a single retort came to mind.
Later that day I spoke with a mutual friend and recounted what my grandmother had said. I asked,
"What could I say to that?"
He replied, "You should have said, 'well, that may be true but there are plenty of other things that he does for me that make up for that."
And I thought, "Huh, I should have been able to say that." but the truth was I could think of nothing that he did for me that made up for what he didn't do.
I didn't have his support in anything, there was no stability or safety, he would pretend to leave me just so I'd become a slobbering mess and he could see that I really did love him, communication was reduced to anger and destroying a piece of furniture, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, I was constantly told how strange and dumb I was and that none of his friends liked me and that any dream I'd ever come up with was unrealistic for someone as inept as myself. On our anniversary/ my birthday he had promised that we would spend the entire day together. We started it by sleeping in, then we went to dinner. He kept rushing me through it saying that he had to go to meet his friends for a game. I reminded him that it was our anniversary and he said we had the day together at which he replied, "I said the day. It's not my fault you decided to spend it in bed. I made a promise to the guys and I'm going to keep it." That was the first epiphany.
The second came later that week. He as usual had left for a friends house that afternoon and a friend of mine had come to visit. She was dating one of his friends and she said,
"How do you deal with it? I mean how can you stand for him to be away all the time?" I said , "Well, I wake up and see how he feels and then I know how my day is going to be and then I just wait for him to come home."
Now that made absolutely no sense to me later that evening. I realized that I wasn't living. I was just existing. At 4:00 am he came into our room and I felt something strange click inside me. It was as if a hollow numbness had blanketed every sensation, sound, emotion and thought within me, except one. I sat up and I said, "I think I'm done. I can't take it anymore. I'm moving out."
I expected to feel a lurching in my chest and a ache in my throat as I usually did when I thought I was "done', but there was nothing. He was heart-torn and begged me not to leave. Watching him made some of the feeling return-- a wrenching in the pit of my stomach-- but not enough to break the surface of my mind and change it. I said, "I'd rather be miserable knowing that you don't have a choice to be with me, than be miserable knowing that you do and you choose not to be." I moved out within a couple weeks. It was one of the scariest thing I've ever done. I hadn't been on my own for over seven years, I was starting college that month and I didn't have a job or a place to live.
Just because I left didn't mean that it had ended. There was guilt and accusations and threats and cruel ambivalence. I'd see him on the street and he would be as cold as ice. Then he'd come over and try to get me to come back with him. Followed by accusations of me of being with someone else while we were together-- that lie extended to be told to several people I knew, so then there was embarrassment and outrage. There were other things that came after this that I won't discuss out of respect, but, after that he consistently worked to push me toward another relationship. Consequentially, he gave me something in common with another person. As it turned out all I needed to help me out of my anguish was to have someone else sympathize with what I was going through.
Unfortunately, I ignored the signs yet again and dove into the proverbial rebound. During which he would show up and try to get me back with him. This went on for years. I kept waiting for him to say that he was ready settle down and have a family--out of all the things he did say-- thankfully, for bot of us, he never did say that.
Though it caused me more pain than I had expected I never went back. I kept remembering what one of his friends had said, "You both deserve to be happy, even if its not with each other."
Now he is happily married and from what I am told is an amazing and devoted husband and father.
Part of my problem was that I thought he would change and I didn't acknowledge my own issues, including co-dependence and low-self-worth.
The reality is that people come into your life for a brief moment and a purpose. When that purpose is fulfilled it is natural for them to exit. Just because our relationship was toxic did not mean that it was useless. It helped me to be the person I am today and I'd like to think it helped him to become the father and husband he is today. If had not ended it and stayed true to that then not only would I have robbed myself the opportunity of gaining self-worth and enlightenment, but I would have cheated him of the happy life he is enjoying today.
So, my advice to you, if you want it, is pay attention to the signs! Do NOT ignore them and think that you can change them. If you are in a relationship, if the person is unwilling to actively work towards mutal respect, love and honesty then this is your cue to move on and let them go. You HAVE done everything that you can to make it work. Now is the time to focus on learning who you are and what you want out of life and allow them to do the same. Of course don't take my word for it. Only you, God and your guiding spirit know what is best for your life, just make sure you are LISTENING to your spirit, your intuition, your gut when they tell you what it is. Wishing you the best possibilities to come to fruition, LA.
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